When Comparison Almost Killed Me


Have you ever looked at someone and thought “wow, I’m really slacking! I could be doing more?!”, but then that thought starts growing into a nagging reminder that you’re not doing enough, saying enough, or even worse, You’re not enough.

That’s what used to come to my mind when I would look at other people and how they lived their life.

I would either read about or see postings of what others were doing. It seemed like everyone knew their purpose and were confidently walking in it. Meanwhile, I am thinking “What is my purpose, God? What was I put here to do?”  I would go as far as having conversations with God that sounded like “Why can’t I talk like THEY talk or pray like THEY pray or do what THEY do? God, don’t you love me too? Why don’t I have what THEY have. That sounds crazy, right?!

Comparison caused me anxiety

I remember feeling inadequate. Almost as if I wasn’t accomplishing enough. I often felt like I was running out of time and would think I should be doing so much more at my age.  There were random times I ended up as a patient in the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. I remember feeling light headed, heart palpitations, trouble breathing and feeling like I was going to die. At the time, I didn’t know why I was feeling this way.

As a teenager, I would compare myself to my classmates. I struggled with insecurity and comparison all throughout high school.  My thoughts ranged from “I am not as pretty as her, my hair doesn’t look like theirs, I don’t dress like them”. I based how I felt about myself on what I saw around me. If I saw that people were doing one thing, then I thought maybe I should do that too or I thought that I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing.

As I grew up I grew out of that mindset. I became more confident about who I was becoming. As I grew out of comparing myself to other’s physically, I began to compare myself to others spiritually. I remember feeling inadequate because I lacked confidence in knowing bible scriptures or what my spiritual gifting’s are. I even succumbed to feeling a level of inadequacy because I couldn’t pray as eloquently as the next person. These thoughts made me not want to pray in public or private.

The final straw was when I began having suicidal thoughts. I was feeling overwhelmed and a lot more anxious. I remember hearing a little voice that was telling me I would be better off dead. That voice had been haunting me all day. I remember that day clearly. I went to the gym to clear my mind. I was in the middle of a cycle class and was still distracted by those horrible thoughts. I remember closing my eyes and seeing both of my wrists slit. That’s when I knew these thoughts were NOT my thoughts.

That night I decided to give it all to God. When I got home from the gym, I prayed to God and began to say to myself,

“NO, this is not you! YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made, YOU have a purpose, YOU are special, God put you here for a reason, You are more than adequate!”

As I began to speak life over myself, I felt myself coming out of that cloud of insecurity and comparison.

I let God Be God.

He healed me and gave me peace.


Comparison almost cost me my life. I was too busy worrying about being like someone else that I neglected to appreciate what was special about me.

Do not compare yourself to others and just like God said to me,

YOU ARE ENOUGH!


 

I hope you enjoyed this post. Until next time…

Love, 

        Leigh C

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