When Comparison Almost Killed Me


Have you ever looked at someone and thought “wow, I’m really slacking! I could be doing more?!”, but then that thought starts growing into a nagging reminder that you’re not doing enough, saying enough, or even worse, You’re not enough.

That’s what used to come to my mind when I would look at other people and how they lived their life.

I would either read about or see postings of what others were doing. It seemed like everyone knew their purpose and were confidently walking in it. Meanwhile, I am thinking “What is my purpose, God? What was I put here to do?”  I would go as far as having conversations with God that sounded like “Why can’t I talk like THEY talk or pray like THEY pray or do what THEY do? God, don’t you love me too? Why don’t I have what THEY have. That sounds crazy, right?!

Comparison caused me anxiety

I remember feeling inadequate. Almost as if I wasn’t accomplishing enough. I often felt like I was running out of time and would think I should be doing so much more at my age.  There were random times I ended up as a patient in the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. I remember feeling light headed, heart palpitations, trouble breathing and feeling like I was going to die. At the time, I didn’t know why I was feeling this way.

As a teenager, I would compare myself to my classmates. I struggled with insecurity and comparison all throughout high school.  My thoughts ranged from “I am not as pretty as her, my hair doesn’t look like theirs, I don’t dress like them”. I based how I felt about myself on what I saw around me. If I saw that people were doing one thing, then I thought maybe I should do that too or I thought that I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing.

As I grew up I grew out of that mindset. I became more confident about who I was becoming. As I grew out of comparing myself to other’s physically, I began to compare myself to others spiritually. I remember feeling inadequate because I lacked confidence in knowing bible scriptures or what my spiritual gifting’s are. I even succumbed to feeling a level of inadequacy because I couldn’t pray as eloquently as the next person. These thoughts made me not want to pray in public or private.

The final straw was when I began having suicidal thoughts. I was feeling overwhelmed and a lot more anxious. I remember hearing a little voice that was telling me I would be better off dead. That voice had been haunting me all day. I remember that day clearly. I went to the gym to clear my mind. I was in the middle of a cycle class and was still distracted by those horrible thoughts. I remember closing my eyes and seeing both of my wrists slit. That’s when I knew these thoughts were NOT my thoughts.

That night I decided to give it all to God. When I got home from the gym, I prayed to God and began to say to myself,

“NO, this is not you! YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made, YOU have a purpose, YOU are special, God put you here for a reason, You are more than adequate!”

As I began to speak life over myself, I felt myself coming out of that cloud of insecurity and comparison.

I let God Be God.

He healed me and gave me peace.


Comparison almost cost me my life. I was too busy worrying about being like someone else that I neglected to appreciate what was special about me.

Do not compare yourself to others and just like God said to me,

YOU ARE ENOUGH!


 

I hope you enjoyed this post. Until next time…

Love, 

        Leigh C

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10 thoughts on “When Comparison Almost Killed Me

  1. Sheila Qualls says:

    Love this post. I wrote about shame this week. I think it’s the root of what you’re talking about. We feel so inadequate because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. It’s something everyone goes through, but no one wants to talk about. We all think we are suffering alone. Thanks for bringing this into the light. I hope it helps others who feel this way, too.
    http://www.realmomsdontjudgewejustsuggest/shame.com

    • Leigh says:

      Yes Sheila! Shame is definitely a contributor. Happy to know you are also writing about topics that are not often spoken about.

      BTW, I clicked on your link and it was an error. Email it to me so I can read it. 🙂

  2. Karin Peters says:

    I love Galations 6:4 and need to memorize. I too know what it feels like to experience such a fearful level of anxiety. It is truly debilitating and not often talked about in Christian circles. Thank you for putting it out there to encourage others!

    • Leigh says:

      Karin,

      It’s not easy being transparent, but I know my story can possibly impact someone especially in areas that are less talked about. Thank you for reading and thank you for you sharing with me as well. Anxiety, unfortunately is more common than many know or care to admit to and it often leads to much bigger issues such as suicide.

      I enjoyed reading your poem to your grandfather, by the way. I will be reposting one of your graphics on my social media today 🙂

    • Leigh says:

      Brooke,

      Thank you for reading, checking out my site and subscribing. I am very excited to share my testimony with you. I also appreciate your feedback. Please share with anyone you feel it will bless. Also Congrats to recently starting your blog. I just subscribed 🙂

  3. Natalya clark says:

    Giiirl! I literally thought i was the only on e who went through this!!!from high school all the way up until 2 yrs Siani practically ALREADY knew why i was there when i came lol little did i know it was anxiety attacks! Stressing over an relationship, not feeling pretty enough, physically attractive enough to keep my bf attention etc! A HOT MESS ok?! Lol Thank you god for deliverance! I pray my daughter’s NEVER experience that part of my life.

    • Leigh says:

      Natalya, I think these thoughts are designed to make you think you are the only one experiencing this. The worst part about it is i felt shameful for experiencing anxiety. I was afraid to share this with anyone because of being fearful of what they may say. I didn’t want to appear like I was crazy. Terrible because the longer I kept it to myself the longer I delayed my complete healing.
      I am thankful to God for your deliverance. I am glad you overcame that experience. Your daughter’s WILL NOT experience that because you have already broken it off of you and then. Be encouraged!!!!

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